Please. I'm Beggin' Ya. Secede.

Surprising news from the southern states. Not.

Part I: The Right to Bear Arms

As we all know, the South views the right to bear arms as THE most important aspect of life, bar none. Right behind that is the Southerner's hatred for any law and order that doesn't feature the Stars and Bars. Two "sovereign citizen" types, Jerry Kane and his 16-year-old son (probably named Bubba) shot and killed two police officers. Jerry and his equally dain-bread son tried to hide at a Wal-Mart (of course) and got cornered. They tried to shoot their way out again, but this time, the cops had some advance warning. Jerry and Bubba, dead in the lot at Wally World. At least they won't be locked up with "them niggras."

Part II: "Ah Hates Me Some Feds... Hey, Warshington, Ah needs Me Some He'p"

New Mexico and the "People's Republic of Arizona" -- two states that hate them some Feds cuz we got us a "niggra" President -- are all of a sudden asking for help from... the Feds. Obama (who seems intent on remaining bush-Dark) is sending some National Guard troops -- those who aren't in Iraq or Afghanistan, which means they're scraping the bottom of the barrel -- to help curb illegal immigration. Be interesting to see how many of the Guardsmen get jacked up by Joe Arpiao's "deppities" for being brown without a permit. The two states also want UAVs.

Part III: Family Values, Part Who Knows?

Family Values Rethuglican state rep Nikki Haley in South Carolina wants to be Governor. She should do an excellent job. Even without being elected, she's already displaying those "family values" so beloved by the rethugs. Yup, she was boffing some dude other than the one to whom she is married. And the dude she was screwing around with? A former aid to Governor Mark "Ah'm hikin' the Apple-lickin' trial with mah Brazilian twist" Sanford. Sanford's ex-wife and Sarah "Ah'm all for morality, which is why my daughter got knocked up without a husband" Palin both endorsed Haley.

Part IV: Westboro Baptist, Dallas Division

Forget "who shot JR", now the big question is "who ordained them gays and lesbians?" The Royal Lane Baptist Church ordained gay and lesbian deacons. The church had also been one of the first to accept blacks and ordain women. Of course, to the rest of the Baptist community (which obviously supports Westboro, since they haven't drummed them out) freaked out and have cast Royal Lane into the hellfire and brimstone for allowin' "them people" equal access to the church.

Part V: "What's Wrong With the KKK?"

A Georgia high school teacher was suspended after having four of her students (the entire student body, in other words) dress in KKK robes, allegedly for a "class project" (yeah, buddy, that's some classy project). The project, needless to say, was on racism... how to keep it alive, no doubt. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, in its coverage of the case, asks two questions: "Who has allowed students to dress as Klan members, Nazis or Salem witch burners?" and second, "Who cares?" The AJC is certainly standing firm in their support for the Stars and Bars. The reporter(?) writes: "I would argue that costumes are appropriate if dramatizations of real-life events enrich instruction and if the point is to show the true nature of these hateful acts. I understand how the sight of hooded students would upset classmates, but once the project was explained, I would think that their concerns would be allayed." Of course she'd blow a gasket if the students were dressed in Union blue.



Yessirree, these good ole boys sure are good Americans, aren't they?