Friday, December 24, 2010

New Years Resolutions, Part I

In this holiday season, when the christianist right is demanding that we worship their mythical holy figure (despite the fact that everything they themselves do is completely antithetical to the core tenets of Christianity) while at the same time mindlessly lashing out at those Americans who prefer to think for themselves, I have concluded that it is time to treat them the way they treat everyone else.

Jeff Foxworthy, the alleged comedian who is about as funny as a stroke, once defined "redneck" as "the glorious absence of class." It is his crowd, the teabagger-neocon-wingnut fringe idiots who have elevated stupidity to a desirable status, who revel in their ignorance, who delight in their ability to sow hatred and disgust where ever they may go, who believe that insult, degradation, and humiliation are appropriate and fashionable means of expression.

In their honor, my New Year's resolutions:
  • Accept the fact that the only language they understand is their own, a curious mixture of theocratic gobbledygook, country bumpkinisms, and pure unadulterated gibberish that promotes mindless, vicious hatred and vitriolic diatribes against all but their own, with acceptance of the fact that they are so figgin dumb that they could never comprehend Dick and Jane books, never mind something as sophisticated as "My Pet Goat" (which to your average redneck is another term for "girlfriend;
  • Understand that the right-wing losers are the way they are because of their tendency to breed early, often, and with members of their immediate family, resulting in a sub-species of slack-jawed drooling inbred idiots whose family trees are nothing but straight lines;
  • Realize that their tendencies towards homosexuality-tinged-with-homophobia is due to the fact that their wimmenfolks are (a) syphilitic crackwhores with all the sexual attractiveness of naked mole rats, (b) screeching fingernail-on-the-blackboard fishwives, or (c) fat ignorant sluts who'll spread their sweaty thighs for a shot of Jack Daniels and a half-smoked Kool and that their innate racism is nothing more than camouflage for their desire to get them some dark meat like McCain's half-breed Hindu mistress;
  • Accept the fact that their panty-in-a-wad hissy-fittedness in Congress is simply because they know they don't have the brainpower to fart without help.

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